Life is hard right now.
It never was easy. It never was something that I mastered, or ever felt particularly good at. I have online journals on the Internet that date back as far as 2001 that document the troublesome history of my past, the pasts of previous Julians I’ve been. Sometimes looking back at those journals is painful because I can’t yet face myself, truly. I’m still some sort of half-baked cookie-dough version of myself that I hope to someday grow into. Or bake into.
I feel these things, realize these things when it is late at night and I’m by myself and I think about what I could be, should be doing. I’m always should-ing all over myself, always taking steps onto airplanes and wondering why I ever got on, or why I didn’t take the harder, longer route. Or didn’t chose a different destination altogether.
But things have happened in my life recently, both that I’ve done to myself and that have happened to people that I love which have called into question this whole self-pitying pit of indulgence I’ve allowed myself to bask in for the past, oh, I don’t know, six months or so.
I’m not dying. Most of my loved ones, the important ones, the ones that replace my backbone most of the time are neither ill or sick or terminal in any way. I have a roof over my head, support from dozens of friends, and get to bed with the breath of an adorable dog on my neck every night. I have a really great life. I drink good wine, most of the time for free. I eat amazing food, most of the time for cheap. I kiss cute boys without fear of being beaten or, God forbid, even killed.
Life is hard right now, but God, life is good.
One of my favorite quotes from one of my favorite childhood authors: “We place what is hard to endure with what is sweet to remember, and find peace.” I think I started this WordPress with those words. I hope to continue that legacy. I’ve been floundering, but I need to find the good again. There is so much good to find.
I run into the fields of my youth untethered and with unreserved abandon.